You SUCK as a Man
By bsekula, on October 4th, 2010
And it’s embarrassing.
Editor’s note: This post contains what some might consider offensive language or a serious assault on manhood (yours or others). If you find any of the aforementioned potentially offensive, do not read this post. Remaining in denial or being uninformed is better than being exposed (and if it keeps you from getting in trouble with the wife, all the better). Instead, go here, here or here. If those don’t work for you, try this for comfort. It’s likely part of your current problem.
If you’re a man and have bigger boobs than your wife or wear pants with a waist size bigger than the length, you suck. No exceptions.
It’s the only conclusion that can be drawn – the introduction of the “sucking man” has led to a decrease in stature, an increase in estrogen and a softness you cannot deny. Prehistoric men were not soft or fat (neither was your grandpa). No, their boobs weren’t bigger than their wife’s (like yours). No, they didn’t wear 44×32 inch pants (seriously?). No, they weren’t vegetarians. No, and most assuredly, they didn’t jump on an elliptical four or five days a week.
And without question, while most of your body is big – the man-boobs mean your “manhood” is shrinking – it also means your brain is small and getting smaller.
You suck for many reasons, stature, dietary, lifestyle. Regardless, in nature’s view, you’re expendable. That soft, cushy body, those man-boobs and low testosterone mean you can’t and shouldn’t reproduce. It means you’re turning into a woman. When this happens in nature, you no longer matter. You’re here to reproduce and be a man. The good news is you don’t have to wait in line at the vasectomy clinic.
Why you suck.
Tendon insertions reveal prehistoric man (and probably your grandpa) as having serious muscle. They were lean, mean fighting machines – able to kill and eat. And avoid danger. In today’s times, you don’t have to kill or avoid danger. All you HAVE to do is eat. The elliptical part is voluntary, not to mention a waste of time. And nothing in your life counts as danger, unless you’re afraid of your wife because she’s more of a man than you, which just makes my point stronger.
Back to that tendon insertion thing. The bones of men “who do not suck” are thicker and stronger at KEY skeletal muscle insertions, like in the thighs and hamstrings, chest and back, which means they had serious muscle mass. Where are your bones thicker? In the hips and low back, which means you’ve got serious baggage yanking on them all day. It also means…
You suck because your life (and everything else about you) is soft. You get up early; tired because your sleep habits are horrible. Stumble through a shower, brushing your teeth and the bagel (if you eat breakfast) and coffee. Don’t forget statins, metformin and Lisinopril. You fight traffic or take public transport to your job where you sit behind a desk for hours, pretending to work. Lunch is a sandwich and a bag of chips. Don’t forget the diet coke and cookie for dessert.
However you make your way home, you either stop off at the gym to abuse an elliptical, run your kids all over the place or go home for a “lite” dinner, chicken and pasta, maybe a glass of wine, and ice cream for dessert. Then you make your way to the chair, where you doze and nod until 10:30 or 11 before going to bed for more crappy sleep.
Rinse and repeat.
Is it any wonder you suck?
A bunch of You cants…
You can’t stop sucking when anything more vigorous than abusing an elliptical causes serious injury. Like a sprint or squat jump. The likelihood either of these rips a hamstring or pops a tendon is high. Too high.
You can’t stop sucking when the only way you could do 10 pushups is by finishing the last 8 in the modified position, like a girl – remember, you’re turning into a woman. Should I elaborate?
You can’t stop sucking when you eat low-fat, no protein, and whole grains (any grains, really), like pasta, wheat bread and Cheerios. Or snack wells. Or M&M’s. Those food groups jack with your manliness, bind up testosterone, increase body fat and reduce muscle tissue (not to mention a bunch of other things). The elliptical doesn’t help here, either. Can you say Cortisol?
You can’t be a man and eat like a gorilla – either quality (vegetarian) or quantity. Relatively speaking, herbivores have small brains and large digestive tracks. Carnivores have large brains and smaller digestive tracks. Why? It can get technical, what with the Expensive Tissue Hypothesis and all, but suffice to say, you and a gorilla have more in common than you care to admit (*ahem*). Your brain is shrinking and your gut is expanding – it needs more room to digest all the crap your’re shoving down there.
You can’t stop sucking by going to a restaurant and ordering from the “lite” menu. That’s code for low-fat, which means two ounces of chicken breast and three pounds of pasta. No thank you.
You can’t stop sucking when victory in your suburban life is beating some guy off the line at a 4-way stop. This is like the pushup thing, no explanation needed.
You can’t stop sucking when you’re a douchebag. There is no way to justify your doucheyness. And no matter what you change in the “How to” list below, if the douchebag remains, you still suck.
You can’t stop sucking when you drink “lite beer” because it has fewer calories. Beer is made with wheat. And wheat sucks.
You can’t stop sucking when you’re 5’ 5” and have little man’s disease. This just sucks. Really. You’re more like a gnat than anything else. NEXT!
You can’t …
There isn’t enough space on the interwebs to hold all the reasons. As a man, you suck and it’s embarrassing.
How to stop sucking in 4 easy steps.
Can you ever stop sucking? Maybe. For your sake, I hope it’s not a lost cause.
Here is my very own “How to stop sucking” list. Even if you don’t completely stop sucking, you’ll embarrass me and others who don’t suck a little less, which is bigger than winning a race at the 4-way stop sign.
1. Things you can’t change.
You can’t change your height. Being shorter than average doesn’t mean you’ll completely suck forever. Just partially, unless you can’t shake that “little man’s disease” syndrome. You can’t change your age either, but age has little to do with you sucking. Seriously. Just consider it a confounding variable. See Exhibit A, your grandpa. Who at 80 could wipe the floor with you.
2. Crank up the intensity
Ditch the elliptical. It just sucks. Besides, no self-respecting male that doesn’t suck would be caught dead on one. One or two days per week, crank up the intensity. Do something hard and intense. Get out of your comfort zone. Run some sprints. Do some jump squats or burpees. Go to the park, put out markers and do agility drills. Do real pushups. Go until you can’t go anymore and then do a few more next time.
Go for a nice, leisure, SLOW walk 2 or 3 days per week (more if you’d like). This is more about keeping the sensitivity of your metabolic hormones than caloric expenditure. Remember, back in the day, a walk, at the very least, was a requirement before any food or drink could be consumed. Note: stumbling to the shower or kitchen does not count.
3. Ditch the fake foods
Eat some meat – real meat, like steak, pork, chicken or seafood. Grass-fed, pasture-raised is always preferable. But starting with these at the grocery store is better than what you’ve been doing. And please, ditch the pasta, bagels, chips, breads, most fruits and 99.9% of foods that come in plastic bags or cardboard boxes. They’re inflammatory, they ruin your digestive system and they’re full of hormone disrupters.
They are not good for you, I don’t care what your wife, the food guide pyramid, the guy from CSPI, Dr. Oz, Kelly Brownell, some know it all down the street, “weight loss” programs sending food to your home or counting points say. Even when you don’t suck, they aren’t good for you.
Take all that fake food and throw it away. Don’t eat it. Instead, put the meat on your plate and replace the stuff you’ve thrown out with vegetables – preferably the above ground variety.
And quit drinking beer. Drink some wine or liquor, like scotch on the rocks.
No more gorilla like tendencies for you.
4. Get some discipline
I’m talking about discipline in your diet and exercise program, and a couple of other areas, which have contributed to your current condition.
Follow the three steps above for food and exercise.
The other part, sleep. Go to bed earlier. Turn off the lights, TV, computer and cell phone. It can wait until tomorrow. Sports Center is not that important.
Make sure your room is completely dark and a little cool. Shoot for eight hours. Soon, you won’t be stumbling to the shower or kitchen.
So there you have it. My simple, 4-step process to being a less sucky man. How will you know when you’ve made it? A couple of things to look for…are your man-boobs disappearing? Is the waist of your pants getting smaller than the length of your legs? Can you do more than 10 regular push-ups? Have you stopped abusing the elliptical? Do you have less in common with a gorilla than when you started? You know the drill.
Report back here in 30 days. We all want to see your results.
Sorry if it hurt. Someone needed to say it.
Cohen PG. Obesity in men: the hypogonadal-estrogen receptor relationship and its effect on glucose homeostasis.
Cordain L. Cereal Grains: Humanity’s Double Edged Sword.
Cordain L., et al. Fatty Acid Composition and Energy Density of Foods Available to African Hominids.
Diaz-Arjonilla M., et al. Obesity, low testosterone levels and erectile dysfunction.
Live Science (accessed 10/04/2010). Obesity Linked to low testosterone in men.
Lunenfeld B., Testosterone deficiency and the metabolic syndrome.
Yassin AA, et al. Metabolic syndrome, testosterone deficiency and erectile dysfunction never come alone.